Please stop encouraging me to apply for jobs. I recognize that your ideas of success and personal goals for retirement combined with your belief in my abilities and concern for my welfare drive your actions and these good intentions are too powerful for me to resist. When you tell me to apply for a job, my heart swells in the face of your faith and no matter how tired or despondent I am in with this process, I will never stop striving to write the best cover letter of my life just to show you that your support is not misplaced.
I have applied and applied and applied and for the few jobs I have actually gotten in my tumultuous 13 years post undergrad, I have to be honest- I have not been successful. Something is missing in my brain or heart that numerous estranged friends and boyfriends can attest to. At 35 years old, I am way past the age where my shortcomings can be excused for inexperience and I am at the financial and spiritual place in my life where I cannot keep banging on the door of this house that will not let me in. My resume is overcome with red flags like a garden with lady bugs and it doesn’t matter how much I tailor it to match the job description or ham up my Excel experience, they know I am “more trouble than I am worth,” -actual words of an employer right before they fired me. If mainstream society, i.e. typical sources of employment, were going to accept me, they would have done it while I looked my best and before my fertility peaked.
So I need your help to accept that normalcy is not the path for me and though I may not live up to your expectations I can still be successful in non-traditional ways most often invisible to you or the outside world. If this is distressing to you, and you find yourself wanting to continue to push me to “do great things with my life,” you can find comfort in knowing that statistically I have contributed to the outliers of my demographics and have far surpassed the accomplishments of any of my blood relations. I am not a meth addict subjecting her children to abuse, I am not a sad drunk who was never a father or foster parents who use my children for home improvement projects. I take my leave in comfort knowing that I am now and may always be a single woman who obsesses over the health of her two cats and who is trying to manage her IBS. That has got to be enough.
Do not worry about me. We live in America, where the systems that inform our culture like trickle down economics and alcoholism make working in the restaurant industry a completely viable career. For someone like me who loves to entertain and honors the impermanence of life itself and a good time, its a good fit. And if I break my ankle off the job, that is what our excellent public safety net is for. I’ll figure it out. And I promise you, that while I may be giving up on this conventional path, which for so long I thought I wanted and needed and which you supported me in, I am not giving up on trying to make the world a better place or be a little better as a human. I have nothing but whole hearted gratitude for any and all support you have shown and I welcome any love you send my way in whatever form from here on out. But for the love of art and my spirit, when it comes to my profession, from now on, I respectfully ask that you to please, leave me alone.
Sincerely,
Beth